We Fight So Much – Is There Any Hope For Us?
Couples who argue often ask if there is any hope for their relationship. In most cases, couples who argue can learn to change these patterns and have a satisfying, intimate relationship.
The key word here is ‘patterns’.
Usually, we see arguments as being about something:
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one of you doesn’t do their ‘share’ of the housework
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you disagree on how the children are disciplined
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you don’t like the way your partner drives
The list is endless! However, although there are issues that need to be discussed and resolved, arguments are more often not about the issue, but part of a pattern that arises automatically between the couple.
How to tell if you are in an argument pattern
Look at your last two or three arguments. Put aside what you were arguing about (the content), and focus on how the argument went.
Most people will notice a pattern emerging. For example, one of you might be the one who gets angry, while the other one withdraws. Or one of you may criticize, while the other discounts what is said.
If your arguments are like this, then you have identified a relationship pattern. Relationship patterns stop us from relating straightforwardly to two people. They make us see our partners, not as who they really are, but as though they are wearing a mask.
Relationship patterns feel very real, but they are not! We get caught up in a pattern like this and it is as though we are forced to act a part. Often we realize that our behavior has not been constructive for the relationship, but couples often feel powerless to change their behavior.
We might feel like we have been loud and angry or withdrawn and not feel good about it, but this usually doesn’t translate into change. The next time we are faced with an argument, we will fall into the same pattern.
There is hope!
These patterns can seem impossible to change, yet once we understand how these patterns are created and what needs to be done about them, we can often change our patterns of fighting surprisingly quickly.
The first step is to recognize that you are in the grip of one of these patterns and face it together as something for you to solve as a couple. If you can do this, you will have already taken a major step.
The second major step is to ask yourself how you feel when you are in one of these patterns.
The third step is to ask your partner what they are feeling when you are arguing.
The answers will most likely surprise both of you because you will each have noticed how your partner behaves, not how they feel. It is how we feel that makes these patterns so difficult to change.
If you are the only one in your relationship who recognises there is something wrong, you can still begin to make some significant progress in changing these patterns by following the steps suggested above. The steps outlined can help you begin to turn around the relationship patterns you find yourself in.
For most of us, working with an experienced counsellor who understands these patterns will be of enormous help in seeing them clearly and finding ways to turn them around. I strongly recommend this to all couples. The good news is that couples can learn to turn these arguments in to constructive discussions, leading to deeper intimacy.
Appreciating Your Partner
It’s easy to believe that creating a successful relationship requires special skills.
We seem to live in an age where experts are required to help us with all aspects of our life. However, many of the skills for building relationships are not at all complicated.
One of the most powerful is simple acts of appreciation. Appreciating our partner can
take many forms. We can give gifts, give our time, or use words. Appreciation doesn’t have to be complicated. Whatever form it takes, all that is needed is sincerity. When we maintain a habit of
appreciation, it builds a stock of goodwill in the relationship. It creates an atmosphere that feels loving and supportive. Giving appreciation is the best way to encourage our partner to return the favor!
The goodwill created leads to a sense of security in the relationship which means that it is better able to ride out difficult times. Appreciation also has a potent effect on each person’s sense of well-being, self–confidence, and self-esteem.
When there has been a period of tension or arguing in a relationship it can be hard to feel appreciative. At these times the best thing we can do is to remind ourselves about everything our partner has done which is positive and begin to find ways to show our appreciation.
So try it. Look past the immediate problems, open your mouth, and say an appreciative word or two. While you’re at it. Include the children, if you have any. If you want happy, co–operative kids praise and encourage them!
Does Counselling Help Relationships?
Clients often ask if relationship counseling can really help a relationship. Because most of us are taught to believe that a relationship is supposed to be easy, we have an unrealistic view of marriage and long-term relationships. When problems arise we can become disheartened and believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Fortunately, this is not the case. Relationship counseling can help couples to resolve their fighting, even if this involves anger and hurt.
When couples are able to express their feelings clearly and without the anger which usually comes with it, their partner is able to take in and understand what has been hurtful. Some couples are concerned that if they go to counseling, one of them will be blamed or made responsible for the problems in the relationship. An effective, skilled counselor is able to help couples understand how the issues that are affecting them have arisen in the relationship.
It is the job of the counselor to provide a comfortable, non–judgemental environment for you to work in. Counselors work for both people in the relationship – they don’t take sides. Often people worry that they will be expected to change. This can be very uncomfortable or feel too difficult. We are attached to our own sense of identity and don’t want to lose this. While it is true that individuals will have to make changes in the way they relate to each other, what really needs to change is the relationship.
When we have this perspective, the couple is able to approach problems as partners, rather than opponents. Relationship issues are often difficult, painful, and complex. Having a skilled third person to help can clarify the issues and provide a clear way forward to resolving problems. The aim of couple counseling is always to provide couples with a framework for a relationship that can be productive and satisfying to both people in the future.
