Abuse and Control - Winning the Battle of Bending Your Will to Care for Yourself
Have you ever noticed how certain individuals relish the triumph of you giving up what is good for you in order to accomplish what they want you to do? It's as if the "abuse and control win" is pleasurable in and of itself. The "gain" is that you are serving them rather than looking after yourself.
Selfless Service vs. Personal Neglect
I'm not talking about "selfless" service, where you give of yourself only to give. What I'm referring to here is your want to do what's best for you being overwhelmed by your partner's desire to do something other than what's best for you. And that "other" is generally to serve them.
This is a frequent occurrence in abusive relationships. The offender starts to assume that his or her spouse will accommodate his or her wants regardless of the repercussions.
I experienced this in an abusive relationship years ago and see it in individuals I observe and those I help professionally now.
It may be as blatant as requesting that you take a vacation outside of the nation just weeks after giving birth to your second kid. And then, when you get there, you're up all night with your newborn, all day with your toddler, and supposed to amuse your spouse every other waking moment. You keep doing this until you collapse on your back with pneumonia.
What about this one... Because of your weakened condition, you are physically vulnerable and cannot be left alone. Your boyfriend is undergoing elective surgery, and you would like to stay at home and accompany him to the hospital by a caretaker. However, he insists that you accompany him and stay in the hospital until he is discharged. Against your better judgment, you give in to his demands and later realize you have pneumonia.
These examples have more in common than just pneumonia. What they show is:
a) Abusive partners who are inattentive to their compromised wives' bodily needs; and
b) Compromised wives who are unable to stand up to their partners' demands to take care of themselves.
Personal Will in the Service of Your Powerful Spouse
In each of the above situations, bending the will of the surrendering person was not due to a lack of knowledge of this individual's needs. On the contrary, in both situations, the dominating partner was fully aware of what was best for their partner. And in all cases, the victory included the conquest to serve oneself above everything else.
Abusive couples do not honor or appreciate their wives for doing what is best for them. Instead, they resent their husbands and refuse to give up their self-care. That resentment is then utilized to manipulate their relationships. By and large, the conquering is twofold: "do for me while intentionally disregarding yourself."
If you find yourself in these situations, take a close look at the control dynamics that are common in abusive relationships. This might provide you with the knowledge you need to interrupt this pernicious cycle before it spirals out of hand.
